7 Essential Steps to Rebuilt Trust and Heal After An Affair

Couple walks into my office for their first session, as they are walking into the room I notice their faces visibility strained wondering if this is going to help or was it too late?

Infidelity often feels like the ground has been pulled out from under you, leaving you overwhelmed with betrayal, anger, guilt, and sadness. Whether you’re the one who strayed or the one who was hurt, it’s normal to ask: Can we rebuild trust? The answer is yes, but it takes time, patience, and a commitment to healing together. 

Let's talk about 7 actionable steps you can take today to rebuild trust in the relationship. Both hurting partner & unfaithful partner can take certain steps. 

1. Open and Honest Communication

Rebuilding trust begins with transparency. Open and honest communication allows both partners to express their feelings, fears, and questions about the affair. It’s crucial to create a safe environment where these conversations can take place without judgment or defensiveness.

It also means that the unfaithful partner will have to be patient with hurt feelings that, sometimes, may be post-traumatic stress disorder-like.

Practical Tips:

• Schedule regular check-ins to talk about your emotions and progress.

• Use "I" statements, like "I feel hurt because..." to express your feelings without pointing fingers.

• Listen actively, validate each other’s emotions, and allow space for questions.

Creating an open dialogue can be difficult, but it’s essential for healing. 

2. Taking Responsibility and Expressing Remorse

For the partner who had the affair, taking full responsibility is a critical step. This means acknowledging the hurt caused and expressing genuine remorse without making excuses or shifting blame. Accepting accountability helps the hurting partner see that their pain is understood and validated.

Key Actions:

• Offer a sincere apology that doesn’t just address the affair but also acknowledges the emotional impact.

• Avoid defensive behavior; acknowledge your partner's pain and anger.

• Show a commitment to change by identifying behaviors that need improvement.

Expressing remorse goes beyond a simple "I'm sorry." It's about showing your partner that you understand the depth of their hurt and are willing to take steps to make things right.

3. Facilitate Transparency

This is arguably one of the most important steps in the healing process because, if done properly, it truly allows the hurt partner to understand what happened. At Voyage Couples Therapy, our therapists can provide a safe environment and help navigate this healing process. We strongly encourage the hurt partner to ask the unfaithful partner the important questions about the affair—the quintessential question that comes to mind: 

“ How could you do this to me”?

4. Rebuilding Trust Through Consistent Actions

Words alone are not enough to rebuild trust; it’s the consistent, reliable actions that make a difference. Both partners must demonstrate commitment to healing by being dependable and showing care in small, everyday interactions.

How to Build Consistency:

• Be punctual, reliable, and honest in your commitments.

• Follow through on promises, no matter how small.

• Engage in activities that foster reconnection, such as spending quality time together.

5. Working with an Infidelity Therapist: The Gottman Trust Revival Method 

The Gottman Trust Revival Method offers a structured approach to healing after infidelity. It involves three phases: Atone, Attune, and Attach.

• Atone: This phase focuses on addressing the hurt, offering apologies, and processing the emotional aftermath.

• Attune: Partners work on rebuilding emotional intimacy, improving communication, and addressing deeper relational issues.

• Attach: This phase involves reconnecting on a deeper level, restoring physical and emotional intimacy, and helping couples trust and connect again.

A therapist trained in this method can guide you through each phase, helping to navigate difficult emotions and strengthen your bond.

6. The Role of Affair Recovery Therapy

Affair Recovery Therapy provides a supportive environment where couples can explore their emotions, discuss the affair openly, and rebuild their relationship step by step. Therapists help facilitate honest communication, manage triggers, and develop strategies to restore trust and intimacy.

Benefits of Therapy:

• Provides a safe space to talk about painful issues.

• Helps identify and address the underlying causes of the affair.

• Offers structured guidance to navigate the healing process.

Therapy can be a crucial tool for couples needing support. It’s not about pointing fingers; it’s about finding a way forward together.

7. Patience, Forgiveness, and Healing

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a gradual process. Both partners must be patient and understand that healing takes time. Forgiveness is an essential part of this journey, but it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process that unfolds as trust is rebuilt through consistent actions and open communication.

Path to Forgiveness:

• Allow yourself to grieve and process the hurt.

• Focus on empathy, understanding, and finding common ground.

• Be patient with setbacks and recognize that progress may be slow but meaningful.

Have you allowed yourselves the time to grieve and heal at your own pace? Patience with yourself and your partner is crucial during this time.

Finding Hope and Strengthening the Relationship

Despite the challenges, many couples find that they emerge from the recovery process with a stronger, deeper connection. By facing the difficulties head-on, improving communication skills, and addressing the underlying issues, they build a new foundation of trust that is even more resilient than before.

Looking for Guidance in Rebuilding Trust? At Voyage Couples Therapy, our Affair Recovery services are designed to support couples through the challenging journey of healing after infidelity. Using approaches like the Gottman Trust Revival Method, we help couples address the emotional aftermath of infidelity, rebuild trust, and strengthen their relationship.

If you are looking for support, learn more about our Affair Recovery Therapy.

Conclusion

Rebuilding trust after an affair is undoubtedly one of the hardest challenges a couple can face, but it is possible. Through open communication, consistent actions, and the guidance of a professional therapist, couples can find their way back to each other. Healing begins with a single step—reach out to us via our contact page to schedule a consultation.